Knowing your worth

Why is it so much easier to put yourself down than lift yourself up? I know I do it all the time to the extent where that is my default. It is really hard to vocalise positives about yourself for fear of being seen as big-headed, arrogant or cocky yet the negatives flow effortlessly. The trouble is that those public utterances become internalised over time until they feel like the truth. It is then really hard to take that step back and recognise the positives let alone say them out loud; it requires serious amounts of cognitive dissonance and sensemaking to change the mindset that has been constructed over time.

Is the complex relationship between one’s self and one’s sense of worth the reason why there are less women in senior leadership positions yet teaching is a largely female dominated profession? I have been reflecting on this a lot recently. Having reached the point in my career where I am deemed ready to apply for assistant headteacher posts, every time one crops up there are endless conversations about should I or shouldn’t I apply. It is an exhausting conversation and at times I have felt stuck in a Groundhog Day-esque loop!

What I have begun to realise is that my sense of self-worth will only change if I change it. Gretchen Rubin talked in her book “The Happiness Project” about her need for gold stars and it really resonated. I know I thrive on recognition and praise (don’t most people) and that for me, little boosts that come through conversations make a big difference to how I perceive the ability to do my job. However, those gold stars aren’t going to be forthcoming if people aren’t aware of what I’m doing or if I keep telling them about my weaknesses not my strengths. It is a bit of a chicken and egg situation; which came first, the need for gold stars or the lack of confidence? Yet, I had a sudden realisation – why do I need anyone else to give me gold stars? Why not start by acknowledging to myself the good things I have done and boost myself? That is far better. I am independent in all other aspects of my life so why not apply it to this too.

So, I have been trying this out lately and the results are fascinating. It has made me feel like I can point out to other people when I have done something great too and that in turns changes the dynamic. The best bit is that realisation that no one laughs or flinches when I point out a recent success. Letting myself acknowledge my self-worth and building myself up helped me verbalise my achievements which in turn has generated the gold stars that make everything feel better.

In recent weeks I have told my senior leaders how amazing my curriculum is, dazzled them with my data analysis (this demonstrates huge progress!) and made some CPD suggestions that will have a whole school impact. I have yet to mention the fact that I contributed to the book “Chronicles from the Classroom” last summer, that I have been asked to record an episode of the “Becoming Educated” podcast or the results of my leadership research but hey, progress is progress! The funny thing is, the more I am kind to myself, the less I need that reassurance from others.

However, having changed my inner dialogue and sense of self-worth to the point where I can loudly say “I would make a great Assistant Headteacher”, I have realised there is more to it than that.

Knowing what you want

It should be easy now I have had my epiphany about my ability to do the job; the next step should be to find an appealing job advert, apply and keep going until I secure a promotion. Yet, it still isn’t that simple. Just because I now recognise that I could do, now I am wrestling with do I want it. For me, being happy and inspired by what I do are why I come to work and most of the time I still am. I get to teach my beloved French, spend time in the classroom with amazing students, work with colleagues I admire and get on with whilst at the same getting to be involved in whole school CPD and leadership. I have carved out a niche role for myself and I am content. So now the dilemma is how do I find my way out of my comfort zone? Do I need to? Is there anything wrong with staying put? With sticking where I am? With being content?

There is no right answer to that at all but alongside my self-worth realisation, I have realised that the only person who can decide is me and that whatever I decide is totally fine. I feel empowered to wait for the job advert that calls to me. I now know I could do it but the luxury now is being able to wait until I want to.

Thus, when I spy an advert that will let me combine all my passions, I will apply because I will make a great assistant headteacher but for now, I am going to value myself enough to wait. That is what is at the heart of knowing your self-worth I think; knowing it, saying it and acting on it. In the meantime, if anyone spots an advert for a French speaking chief geek who loves all things reading, research, CPD and teaching and learning, let me know!