I know I’m not alone in feeling unsettled right now nor am I am the only person reflecting on what our current circumstances mean for the future. Nothing is the same as it was nor will it be for quite some time (or ever for that matter) but the bigger question that keeps jumping to the forefront on my mind is do I want it to be? Do I want to go back to ‘normal’?
I think my normal was pretty standard. I have been a languages teacher since 2004 and a Faculty Leader for the last 5 years. I have also been doing my masters for the last two years. Easy labels – teacher, leader, student – everyone can make sense of those. I have always considered myself lucky; I love my job, I adore my subject, I relish the challenge of leadership and I am thriving on studying. I work full time because that has always made sense. I have always taken on new challenges because I have always wanted to. But now I’ve paused and suddenly that picture looks less clear.
Since lockdown I have had to lead more than ever. I am conscious of the responsibility that comes with leadership; looking after the wellbeing of my colleagues has been (and still is) paramount. Every email that I have sent has been carefully thought out, drafted, re-read, every word chosen with intent; taking time to create a space where people feel safe, structured, supported and able to do their job. I have kept directed work to a minimum and support high (or at least that has been my intent). It feels necessary to take this time with emails now that there is no daily face to face contact, no quick chats to clarify something or to check in, those words in those emails count more than ever. Based on the responses I have been getting from colleagues, it seems to be working. But communication has taken a new twist. As emails have reduced phone calls have increased. Those calls have become precious as we sit together, albeit in different places, and talk through a task or a problem. That connection makes the job easier and the anxiety reduces. As I pause, I ask myself why don’t we do more of that? Why do emails normally fly from dawn until dusk when a quick chat, the human touch makes all the difference?
The answer I suppose is time. That seems to be the recurring answer to lots of my reflections now. It is faster to send an email to six people than to go and see them individually. But is that right? Am I using my limited time resource wisely as a leader? All I know is that I am doing the best I can with the resources and knowledge I currently have. It is the same with online teaching too; it all comes down to time. Time to upskill so I can use the technology, time to create the resources but more importantly, time to have one on one interactions with those students that reach out. Time, suddenly I have more choice than ever about how I use it and that is equal parts exciting and terrifying.
But my biggest lessons from lockdown are about me. I am a teacher, a leader and a student but I am also me; Judith, Jude, a reader, a friend, a daughter, a dog parent. This me isn’t sure I want to go back to normal. I have been doing everything by the book forever; school, sixth form, university, PGCE, job, promotion, masters. There was always a vague driving philosophy, do what makes you happy and do what you enjoy. I applied for promotion not because of the title or the money but because I wanted to do the job; it sounded great and I was right, it is (most of the time!). But now I ask myself, do I want to keep working at the frenetic pace that is normal? Do I want to keep working full time? Do I want to go back to a pace of life where it is often a choice between a drink or going to the toilet? Do I want to work every evening and weekend? That is a long list of big questions to which I am not going to pretend I have the answers.
I have realised that when I am teaching and leading in lockdown, I can do my job and I can be me. That is an exciting realisation but not a long-term solution I know. I am working hard, and it was stressful until I established new norms to structure my working week, but I have become a person again and I like it. I have reclaimed my weekends and evenings. I have started exercising (thanks to Joe Wicks I can now do 19 box press ups in a row*) and surprisingly it is sort of fun. I am reading more than ever. I am being creative. I am cooking and baking. I am also managing to be a better daughter and friend; I have spoken to my mum every day since France (where she lives) went into lockdown ostensibly to stop her going stir crazy but really because it is incredibly nice to have the time for long rambling chats. I have discovered virtual afternoon tea with my besties; admittedly not the same as in person but we’re managing that twice a week compared to the normal once a month so that’s a win in my book. I am relishing going slow and I feel great for it.
So, where does my pausing leave me going forward? Well, I am not going to resign, that much is sure, I love my job too much! I am going to make sure I email less and talk more even if that means doing less in a day; I have a feeling I will achieve more in the long run. I am going to reclaim my weekends by staying later at school on a Friday – I feel the trade off will be worth it. I am going to remember that I am person first then a teacher, a leader and a student and I will prioritise accordingly. Baby steps I know but I don’t want to go back to normal, I want to go forward to normal and those baby steps will get me there.
* I didn’t know they were called box press ups until my writing partner in crime, Jenny, told me – she is wise! I also now know where my quads are too 😊
